Wake up calls are good things, and similar to real life scenarios of : being abruptly waken up in the middle of your sleep, in the wee hours of the night, the first reaction is irritation and discomfort. Which usually lingers for some 5 to 10 minutes depending on the reason, then the reason will slowly sink in, and then you will slowly became very grateful that you woke up, given that it's a good reason , for example: if you are late for work.
Discomforts are not always bad too. I recall that incident in the workplace, 8 years ago, when there is this office mate, who acts like he is as cool as a rock star. I learned that he is beyond his 30s, and has been working for the company on the same position for almost 10 , going 11 years, that time I met him, I started to see him differently. He was very comfortable there.
On the first company that I worked with, I encountered a very very unfair person. She was the reason for all the issues in our team. She was our team lead. Someone who can't even manage 5 people in a team, I no longer have a term for it, so let's just stay with the term "unfair". Because she made my stay there very uncomfortable, I started looking elsewhere. The whole journey ended here, in my current company. I was able to over come some of my fears and dis-ability ( meaning, things that I cannot do ), all because I became uncomfortable. I guess, that is one upside.
Now, my current discomfort comes from my financial issues. Or should I say, "our" financial issue, meaning, my husband's and I, and then my family's and I... then my sibling's and I.
It is very uncomfortable, having to think about paying debts, specially when you are surrounded with people who are doing well, when it comes to that department, when all you want to do is ...... well, I already forgot what I'd rather want to do at this time.
I had to remind myself a thousand times, how comparing yourself to other people will not help. My situation is unique, and so are my chances, and so are God's plan for me, but being only human, it is very difficult not to.
So I went to a very quiet place 3 days ago , in the hopes that I can hear my thoughts.
|Or course, I stopped walking just near that tree.. because my son is calling me back heheheheehe|
Or maybe, it is somewhere in the horizon..
But whatever it is, I know that I will look back on this day, and tell myself that it's a good thing, that I woke up and became uncomfortable, although I am really not sure how it's going to happen.
It feels as if that I was being reminded by Him, the Guy above, about something that I just missed. I know that in my heart, there are things in there that is corrupting my thoughts. I am not yet suicidal, the fact that I am fighting and working for my goals is proof that I don't want to die just yet, but there are times, when I envy the dead.
They no longer have to deal with all these things, that never seem to work. Although, there are people who does not have a single cent of debt, and yet, I honestly don't see them everyone of them happy. Of course, there are people whom I knew, who died at a young age, and they might be wanting to strangle me to death now, if they hear me talk like this. It is very ungrateful to talk like that when you are alive, knowing that life is the best gift of all.
So what do I do now?
Make a mistake,
take a deep breath,
then go back to plan A
I guess snapping out of it, and going back to where I left off, is part of the equation. The only problem with me, is that I felt like I kept on going back to the same spot.
So tomorrow, I will go back to lining my bags.
Now, lining these bags, will not pay the amount that I need to pay, in fact, it will not help me at all, aside from the thought that, having them lined and happy will make them functional, so therefore I can remove them from that eye-sore spot of unwanted things, in that corner of our room.
I plan to give away these bags, to people in our compound, just for the sake of having them out of my house. I don't dare give these away as a raffle, to prevent that incident 3 years ago, when someone complained about the items he/she received for free, from me.
So , a little bit of drama there...