Friday, April 18, 2014

Iron turned cold, what's next?

Days after our wedding, our life went back to it's usual routine. No more meet ups with dance instructors and numerous phone calls from suppliers. Of course, we finally went back to our usual diet too.



I promised myself that I will rest my hands and just relax. I know that when I get back to work, there are stats and other things that I need to catch up on. It so happened that after our wedding is the Holy Week here in the Philippines. So instead of going to an out of town trip for the ritualistic honeymoon we just spent time with love ones.

We brought the kids to the Zoobic Safari.




Those are real life crocodiles. We spent time with crocodiles for a change. I am not really a fan of wildlife experience with tigers and crocs, and preferred the nearby park where there are dolphins but we ran out of time. Maybe on our next visit.
 
Remember that I have my yarns here in Bataan. Those are sealed tightly and neatly organized in boxes. I am going back  to Manila today and yet I haven't touched a single skein of yarn.

I can finally say that after crocheting madly for dear life for the past few months, the iron finally turned cold. There is this awful feeling that I still have a lot of yarns and many other unfinished things to finish and yet, I lacked the enthusiasm to proceed.

Maybe I just need some time off.

Of course,  I will have to go back to my list of goals. The next in line is of course , the credit card debt. I have always been vocal about this and will not be ashamed to admit it.

Our credit card debt is  looking better than in 2012, but I don't need it to look better , I need it to disappear. So here are my thoughts.

I think I will literally live under a rock for the next few months until credit card is paid off. It's looking pretty hopeful this year than in 2012. But now, I know that I can focus on it more.

Paying your credit card does not mean, get all your money and pay to the bank. It does not work that way. It will only repeat the process, because when you used up all your money, you will swipe your card again.

The goal is to pay it off like you would a bill. This means trimming down on known luxuries and sticking to the basics too.

As for my crafty goals, yarn diet is looking good for this month. I plan to start on these projects when I got back in Manila.

Orchid and Dahlia.... which one first?






Meanwhile, I have 200 pending projects in Ravelry ahahahahahahah



Monday, April 14, 2014

goals...

My crafty goals stays the same... reduce the volume of the yarn stash, but not just the short cut route of reselling them , I wanted to use those yarns, to gain back something in return other than just cash.

However, I am tired from all the wedding preparations, and I'm not so keen on starting another project.

There a currently  207 hibernating projects in my Ravelry notebook. I have 3 drafts here in blog and I have several pattern drafts which I like to finish.

I also have personal goals which I still don't know how to start...That is why I am going to just sit back and enjoy my 8 more days of vacation.. hmmmm where to go ? Baguio ? ahahahahahah

I will share more about this dress when I come back..


To date, I receive a total of 5 requests for this dress.. I honestly don't know if I am up for the challenge.. but it really warms my heart that a lot of people appreciated my efforts :) I am really inspired.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Diary of the dolls.

These dolls are not just dolls.


These dolls put my heart to the test. There are times that I want to burn them, turn them into voodoo dolls. There are times that I look at them with hope that I add more parts. There are times that it makes me sad seeing them I just to want to burn them and burn my husband alive..

There is something more about them than just amigurumi.  The dolls moved around a total of 4 houses. I dragged them along whenever we need to move. Dragging them along in the most literal and figurative sense of the word.

Let me share to you their story...

2009
 
My ex-fiance ( now husband  ) and I planned to settle down as early as 2008.  When we settled for a date, that was 2009.  I immediately know, that my souvenirs will be crocheted amigurumis.


I started working on these dolls early in 2009. I was still working on a call center then, I WAS SYKES. Even during my shift I will steal 10 minutes just to finish an arm or a leg or a bun..

I originally planned for..  ( brace yourselves) , 150 pairs of dolls.. 300 pieces! I was young and just plain silly.

Our agreed date was in 2009, but later on decided that 2010 will be more suitable.

I bought the patterns in Etsy, from Saplanet amigurumi. These are the only designs available  during those times, and to test the pattern, I made a cake topper:



2010

Just like normal couples, we have fights. But after our engagement and the pamamanhikan, our fights escalated to something that I was not prepared for. On one terrible fight and a strange realization, we decided to just cancel our church wedding.

Cancelling a wedding, when some suppliers are already booked, is perhaps the most grueling nightmare any couple can face. Not many people can survive it.

I am not even sure how we did.



Alain proposed again on my birthday, last November 2010. We decided to just get married without all the flowers, the white and all that jazz.

We opted for a much simple civil wedding on the same date that we're supposed to go to church. It was supposed to be a secret too, but with some people there who does not understand why only 10 people are invited for the wedding, it's really hard to explain.

Within minutes our little secret was exposed to the world. I remember that after a 5 hours trip back to Alabang, I got a phone call from my friend. Asking me why I didn't invite anybody. One of our guests uploaded our pictures in Facebook.

Imagine my frustration.

After our civil wedding, I hid these dolls or rather, the parts that I already finished, together with the yarn, in one box. Away from my sight.

This is when I am starting to really fashion the dolls into voodoo dolls. There are times when I really wanted to burn them. There are times that it is my husband who I wanted to burn instead lol .

2011

I can say that we are not prepared for a married life. And with some things that we are not really able to fully close and comprehend, marriage is really difficult.

This time, it is not only my heart but also my sanity that is being put to the test. I didn't realize it then, but I am becoming a completely different person.

My body was also put to the test. I got psoriasis and for the first time heard a doctor tell me that I am heading to the grave much earlier than I thought if I will not get a hold of myself.  He said my immune system is also failing.

Of course I didn't listen. I transferred to another doctor just to get a second opinion. In fact, getting a second opinion has become more of a hobby. I will never get tired trying to prove anyone wrong. I made it to a total of 8 doctors, who at first will make me feel better and will give a different prognosis about my case, then on the second or third visit, they will declare that it is psoriasis anyway.

To make matters worse, I got pregnant in between my medications. I found out I was 7 weeks along when I noticed that the psoriasis lesions are starting to disappear. The joy of a first time mother was not there because I was concerned about the effects of steroids to my unborn child. Psoriasis medications are full of steroids.

I  almost thrown away these dolls. I am quite sure by now, that the girl who started working on these dolls will not be able to finish them.

One day I tried to throw them away but then something is telling me that I spent 2000+ for the yarns, so I went back inside and began to frog the parts. Why should I throw yarn anyway?

2012

I gave birth to Dylan on March 2012. During these times, I'm little bit happier than the past 2 years. Motherhood really gave me this newly found self-appreciation and should I say, confidence. I became much more forgiving of myself.

For a while, our arguments stopped. We are preoccupied with our child.




One day, we started talking about weddings again. And we remembered our dolls again. So we started working on those dolls again.

I added more parts.

He sewn the body of the bride dolls. When we got back to Alabang, we got busy with other things, so these dolls are left unfinished. Remember that some of these doll pieces are frogged when I was really angry. So I decided to just settle with 60 pairs, or whatever number we can complete with the existing sets.

Starting to work on the dolls again is not a good idea. Our fights escalated to a different level, this time, it's no longer about petty things and petty arguments.

One day, we just decided to part ways and get the big A. A for annulment.

I really don't know how I survived that day, but it won't be possible if my mother is not around to guide me. Even if she can't understand what we are arguing about, Mom is there to help. She does not approve of separation, but she wanted only the well being of my child.

I am going through what they call post partum depression and with a seriously depleted immune system, my psoriasis lesions returned, this time , with full force. I am honestly not fit to be mother that time. It was really hell for me.

I am not sure how we are able to get back together. One day, I was hospitalized because I have dengue. Alain was there beside me.

2013

I decided that for 2013, I will be more honest with myself.

If I will go back that day in 2010, I will honestly tell myself not to get married, as we don't understand marriage anyway. We literally don't know what we are getting ourselves into. Not only that, we are not prepared emotionally and financially. And we don't really know what to expect in a marriage.  We also have a lot of personal issues that we fail to get closure from.

More importantly, I wanted to get closure from all the bad things.

As for the dolls, I don't know if these will be put to use at all. I just know that I have to finish them somehow, and that's the only time that I can say that I have completely moved on.


I hate sewing, so I delegated the task to husband to sew them. Yes, and he is sewing. He will not crochet, but he will sew.


I tasked my husband to sew the loose ends and make them into dolls. It's like I'm allowing him to mend and put together fragments of our marriage that almost fell apart.

We picked up the dolls again. I decided I don't like to sew and embroider the eyes, so I decided to use amigurumi safety eyes. It took half of the job already . I had to work on the remaining parts that are not yet finished.

The volume is just too much . Instead of the original number of pairs planned, we went for 60 pairs.  I ran out of safety eyes, which I found out I don't really enjoy using.  Since I don't want to buy safety eyes, I had to sew the face for the entire set of Matts.

We already have a planned date for the wedding, but sometime in April, my grandmother died, so out of respect, we moved the date to sometime in April 2013, a full year after.


2014

This year I started with one resolution, and that is to finish everything that I started.

Feb 17 - Today I started sorting out the parts that was completed and decided to just finish them, as we are so close to finishing them.

March 2014
I am struggling to really finish them. Instead of the 60 pairs, I just make do with what was on hand. After finishing my white wedding dress, I felt that I crocheted enough in this lifetime. It was a challenge to finish them, but I really want to.

I settled for 30 pairs for Mayee and Dillian and 23 pairs for Lindsay and Matt. I asked my baby sitter to sew all of the remaining parts that  Alain can't finish.


March 28 - The dolls are completed. During preparation of the wedding, I really forgot to take pictures of the entire lots of dolls.

April 12 2014.. On our wedding day, these dolls are distributed to our guests.



The wedding...



Our son Dylan is our ring bearer..

The dolls are not just dolls. They are reminders that some things, can never be the same, but you can always make them better.

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